I am Lonely
Despite knowing:
It’s a state of mind.
I’m searching.
Without knowing:
What I’m trying to find
Here I lie, upon the ground.
For I have been knocked down.
I know I must get up,
But the energy can’t be found.
I suddenly think - I’m dying!
Berate myself for negative thought.
Realise it’s true
Death is everywhere it is, and isn’t, sought.
For we are all the dying,
Every second that unfurls
Brings us closer to that certainty.
Now, how real can be the world?
For all that I see around me,
Will perish with my demise
Cease to exist the moment it’s not observed,
By my ever judging eyes.
I dwell on the thought
That our actions are a denial
Of that ever lurking truth,
That hides behind every smile.
For what meaning has my everyday?
Really, when you think, what worth?
What is the purpose of each step
That I take upon this earth?
For we all head in one direction,
This, for sure, I know.
Yet I continue on the treadmill
Round and round the freak show.
As soon as I have these thoughts,
I am, once again, distracted
An old friend has good news
I am pleased to be contacted.
So I’m elevated slightly,
Death forgotten for a time.
Back to hiding in the darkness,
In the recesses of the mind.
Is cheating death really the inspiration
Behind all of our actions?
Trying to immortalise ourselves in words,
In kids, in sports and in distractions?
All our ventures, all our energy,
Spent playing a game, already lost.
Yet we give it all we have,
No matter what the cost.
As the outcome is always the same,
It is a forgone conclusion
We need not fear the unknown,
So we choose to suffer this delusion.
Yet, I am plagued by a thought,
Whispering to me constantly:
What if the alternative is better?
What if we need not suffer this misery?
But instead of daring to hope
In this voice, this vision. this idea,
I would rather choose the known
With its pleasures and fake veneer.
When I sometimes glimpse below it,
My mind’s defences are ripped and torn
And at that moment each little suffering
Sticks in my heart like a poisoned thorn.
I take a look around me
See everyone in their prisons
And all the acts, in all the world,
Of barbarity, cruelty and derision.
Then, one day I can’t let go
Of the realities taking place
And, in that moment, I lose the ability
To portray a convincing face.
Dislocation from the self.
Disassociation from the world.
Dissolution of the ego.
Fear that nothingness is just a hole.
And in this moment, I want so badly
For there to be more to it than that
I see how you can reach a dead end:
Scared to believe, in case it’s just a trap.
What if it is just another wasted action:
Trying to prove death wrong?
That you won’t truly die,
Some part of you will, somehow, go on.
On the other hand, what if, without faith
You’re missing the best part of life?
Does it really matter what’s real
If it can help you feel less strife?
Then I remember all the times
That I said ‘no’, as I was afraid:
Scared of the suffering of ending,
So not starting, thus avoiding pain.
And I realise,
I have to learn
That it is not dying we should fear
But not living fully,
Every precious moment
That we are granted here
cq
Pain
Ripped apart, torn limb from limb
By the razon sharp teeth of them
Blood hounds buried nose deep,
In my intestines, they chew their meat.
Some chew gently, others frenzy.
I lie passive, underneath their energy.
I can't escape, I don't know how
They eat me, their sacrificial cow.
Body numb, spirit cold
Underneath their snapping snarling load
I can't go on. I think of hardness
But life stretches on regardless
I can't feel. I don't want to
They've locked me away. I am through
Will someone come to me now?
Does anyone actually know how?
I need warmth and I need love
I need ,,, I need ...
I need more, so much more.
cq
Healing
Cozy and warm in a room of my own
Beanbag so big, it just swallows me whole.
Sat gazing up, the sun on my face:
Meadows of flowers - my own special space.
Book lying beside me, dropped to the floor.
Words drifting inside my own little world
Orangey, Purpley pinks all around
The gentle tinkling of fairy like sounds
Silver path running through gnarled oak trees
chorus of birds singing, hum of the bees
Oceans of sand, swept across desert land
One solitary cactus, shaped like a hand
Vistas of paradise, glimpses of hell
The slap and a cry, the toll of a bell.
A moment of stillness, in the chaos that reigns
A pocket of peace, so I don't go insane
I forget myself and, for a second, my soul
Peeks through the silence, leaving me whole.
cq